Born with HIV

The doctor said; “Your child is HIV positive, you need to abort the baby.” Those words, they still linger in my mind as Bambi told me that I was born with HIV.

Having a parent that is constantly humorous and would do absolutely anything to make sure your happiness comes first and that you are always chuckling is a blessing. Bambi is my comedienne and above all, my cheerleader. She just came from freshening up and I was busy on my smartphone, you know, chatting and just browsing the Internet and soon enough we were having such a very deep, intimate conversation. The mood was high and it was not long until she dropped the news on me. I thought she was probably pulling my leg for one second. I was baffled and could not comprehend how I was able to make it this long without any treatment or any complications whatsoever. I excused myself to go to the bathroom so I can register everything that is happening.

Calling

I was born on World Aids Day; December 1st. Somehow knowing that I just found out such devastating news it sort of hit home and I asked myself mind boggling questions such as; “What if I was meant for this life? What if my purpose is to become an activist for HIV and AIDS?” It was too coincidental that 17 years later into this life thing I find out such devastating news and that too, being born on the same day and month that this chronic disease is celebrated. I probably stared at my reflection in the mirror for a couple of minutes whilst trying to wipe the thousand tears that I had already cried. I went back to Bambi’s room and I was acting all casual and crept into bed and it was lights out and never again did we bring the subject up. Perhaps the only time she would bring it up was during our daily prayer sessions we would have where she will be asking the Higher Power to cleanse our bodies from (this illness) and all other impurities. I would just stand there and pause during the prayer sessions because I just realised “things just got real.” That was it.
Later that year, in 2017, I decided to be transparent with the rest of my good friends and circle at school and I disclosed this sensitive information. They were extremely saddened by this but somehow I managed to see the silver lining in the clouds that were hovering over me. Truth is, when you are surrounded by supportive and understanding individuals as well as strong faith, sharing things and just staying true becomes a lot easier.

Confrontation

One day I just decided to go and face the music and wanted to see the results for myself. I became Thomas. After all, seeing is believing and I was not going to shy away from this. I disclosed to Bambi that I was going fully in and that I am doing this for myself. She convinced me not to go because I would just go and humiliate myself and that the Positive results will not alter and that should I go we will not be on good terms. She said a lot of contradicting things. Frustrated and nearly going half-crazy I had an ultimatum to make. I pulled in a couple of good friends to accompany me as I pretend to be surprised when I receive my HIV Positive results (screams internally) Not happening. I took the very same friends I told about this and the nurse was not comfortable with the entire idea of having friends present when I am taking the test. I explained to her what the purpose was for them to be present because I knew I would need moral support as I am about to find out something I already know. Something I already know, how terrifying is that? She said she was not allowed to do this as this could backfire but after enough convincing she ended up trusting us. I was nervous as hell but I just did not want to show it. My friends and I got tested at the same time and we anxiously waited. The results came back. They were all HIV Negative. Godwillingly. My eyes widened, I think I nearly cried. It was a relief for all of us. I asked the nurse if I could capture an image so I could show Bambi and she agreed. I captured the image of my results and it was not long until I send them to her through WhatsApp Messenger. She called me and I think she was feeling some sort of euphoria. I think it was just as emotional for her as it was for me and other individuals that were affiliated with this matter. Imagine having to abort your HIV Positive baby because a doctor instructed you to do so? It indeed sounds berserk.

C’est la vie (such is life)

Being HIV Positive would just mean I am no different from the next. I too would just be playing a crucial role in being one on this earth. I would be a part of the only race that truly matters which is the human race. As for Bambi, keeping something as sensitive and life threatening like this away from the self is (insert UNCENSORED term here …………….) I will let you finish that line for me. On the other hand, there is no denying that Bambi gave me the greatest gift there is –LIFE. I would not be on this platform sharing my personal story with you had she chosen the other alternative. I pray that people do not shy away from speaking about such experiences. They are indeed sensitive, however, we need to get into the habit of having to constantly disclose things, look in the mirror and still say that you are beautiful.

You are the most beautiful thing I keep in my heart

Thank you for reading. Share your story below if you like. Do not forget to follow my blog and not your dreams.

Sincerely Panduleni